The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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