Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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