I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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