We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
