I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
