i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
