tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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