We named our party play list daddy issues
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
