You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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