I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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