woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
