I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
