I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
