twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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