He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
