this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
