I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Be still, my beating vagina.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
