Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
