careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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