Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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