can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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