I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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