my phone needs a breathalizer
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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