He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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