My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
