dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
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