Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
