I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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