My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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