Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
