just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
