Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
