his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
