It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
