You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
