We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
