question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I need to align my fucking chakras
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
