I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
