I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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