She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
