We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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