theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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