I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
