Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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