Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
