Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
