He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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