I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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