how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
