So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
